In a previous job, I worked with a project manager who continually rubbed everyone else the wrong way no matter how much he thought he was being effective. I had to work closely with this guy everyday, so I decided pretty quick that I'd better learn to tolerate him since neither one of us would be going anywhere for a while. As a result, he and I got along fairly well - he really wasn't that bad of a guy, he was just used to a different style of management - but I was also the one who continually ended up smoothing out communication problems between himself and the rest of the team. Many of these problems were the result of ill-prepared emails he sent out to the entire team which seemed to create more confusion than they caused.
When I left the company (and thus, the project), I took a few moments to go through my mail archives and extract humorous, but genuine, emails from this project manager, combine them into a work entitled "Top Management Techniques", and share this work with those on the team who had been putting up with this guy because they really had no choice, other than leaving.
Do I regret sending it out? Sometimes I feel bad...Did someone forward the mail to him? I don't know. I guess in retrospect I shouldn't have done it. It was unprofessional.
Alas, it's already out there...so I might as well share it with you, the loyal J&J website visitor.
Keep in mind that these are excerpts from actual emails. I've changed said project manager's name to "Project B. Manager", and I've also tweaked other peoples' names so that only they know who they are. Wherever I've changed a name, I've italicized it to avoid confusion. I've also added my comments after each excerpt, where needed, to put it in context for you, the reader.
Critical new information revealed regarding technique #10! Updated January 30th, 2000!
From: Manager, Project B
Sent: Tuesday, December 16, 1997 9:31 AM
Subject: Timecards and Time OffAvast ye Lubbers! Please stop by and make your 'X' where required, Matey!
From: Manager, Project BOur application was having a problem that was actually caused by the X-Windows emulator on which our it was running. This was Project's way of saying, "there's nothing we can do about it". Some people didn't take it as humorously as he intended.
Sent: Thursday, January 22, 1998 6:50 PM
Subject: RE: HCL Exceed multi vs singleStanford,
The description that follows below is just the irritating way that windows works. I do not feel it is valuable to track but.........
Here are the options as I see them:
1) Assign the problem to Bill Gates.
1a) Assign the problem to HCL
2) Follow the directions provided with the application. (like on the wrapper)
3) Get staff to attend a windows seminar before they write up the next issue like this.
4) Don't try to use MASH systems in a non-supported environment.
5) Expand the time we spend in the technical issues meeting to cover the weather.
6) Start charging to make complaints by making the call a 900 number charged back the manager's budget.
This is an example of ?????????????
From: Manager, Project BThis was sent to a teammate who forgot to turn his timecard in on-time two weeks in a row.
Sent: Monday, February 16, 1998 9:33 AMAzrael Abyss,
You have reached the limit of indifference toward a task that tweaks my continuum. If you are unable to exert the modicum of effort to conform that is required to transmit your time card on Thursday evening or Friday morning, then I will locate and employ someone who possesses that attention to detail. I hope that I have phrased this properly to remove any ambiguity and that my intent is clear to you.
Respectfully,
Project Manager
Modicum?? That word wasn't even in my travel dictionary. It makes me wince in pain when I consider all the time people might have wasted looking up words this guy used. A few teammates and myself pitched in to purchase the game "Balderdash" for Project as a Christmas present. He loved it.
From: Manager, Project B
Sent: Monday, March 23, 1998 4:40 PMHere's the word Thunder Bird. I did it with my head up and locked!
From: Manager, Project B
Sent: Tuesday, April 28, 1998 11:55 AMBeakman,
If you need to fix something the second time, you have a larger problem. When this occurs, let Jeff know about symptoms and support him as he requires to effect the repair of the root cause.
From: Manager, Project BEffrontery = bold insolence. This was his way of asking me to attend a meeting in his absence.The absurdity and effrontery make this activity make it too painful for me to attend this meeting out of concern for my self-indulgence of masochistic tendencies.
From: Manager, Project BA language is not a rational thing that does something properly or improperly. It is a tool and nothing more. The rational attachment to the language is the programmer. We all judge the skills of the programmer by their results not their intent. If the results are unsatisfactory, it is the responsibility of management to correct the situation.
To be forewarned is to be forearmed.
From: Manager, Project B
To: Woof, Beakman H; Jeremy, Ron; Neau, JeffBeakman,
What is this? Jeff is the technology guy here. Why are you involving Ron Jeremy distracting him from tasks that I want him to do? You do not assign tasks on this program; I do.
From: Manager, Project BI wrote a little utility that counted how many of our different applications were running at the same time across all of the servers. A report ran weekly which displayed the results by hour. That way, we were able to tell the peak times of usage for the "CRAP" and "MCN" applications. The report also displayed the usage for a background printing utility, which always had five instances running per server (if we noticed that less than five per server were running, then something was wrong).
Sent: Monday, October 19, 1998 3:24 PM
To: Neau, Jeff
Subject: FW: CRAP/MCN License ReportPlease take a look at VS Dogged; it seems to hung at 345?
It just so happened that there were 69 production servers (345/5) when the report in question ran. Being the on-the-ball guy that he was, Project exclaimed that the "VS Dogged" processes were hung at 345, showing that he had absolutely no clue how the applications worked, or what they did.
From: Manager, Project BI honestly don't remember what this was all about.Stanford,
Now with the Neau message, you have the nearly complete answer to the question with some conjecture about what the issue are related to the prioritization of the task.
See the update on this technique! - Posted January 30th, 2000
From: Manager, Project BI don't think I need to add anything to this one.I will be updating you all as things solidify.
When Project B Manager started with the company, he was unable to get a timely response from the Vice President of Marketing, Harry Connick, Jr. In an attempt to get this person to respond, he jokingly threatened to, "pull your scrotum over a timpani drum and play the 1812," causing an HR incident.From: Neau, Jeff
Sent: Tuesday, December 08, 1998 9:40 AM
To: McGraw, Quick D; Woof, Beakman H
Subject: RE: License Counter ProblemThe whole mechanism for gathering data was hosed for a while beginning on November 21st.
----------
From: Manager, Project B
Sent: Tuesday, December 08, 1998 9:44 AM
To: Neau, Jeff
Subject: FW: License Counter ProblemAlthough some may understand the word 'hosed' in a gardening sense, is it really an appropriate term in the professional sense?
Then he objected to me using the word "hosed".
With Project gone, life is linguistically boring around here - but much calmer and more "rational".
Stanford
Now, with the Stanford message, I have the complete answer to the question with some conjecture about what the issues were with relation to this technique. (In other words, now I can tell you what this was about).From: Tool, TonyBelow is an email history of the issue. Basically, my company's license manager didn't work on Hewlett Packard's new operating system and Boeing wanted to know what it would take for my company to make it work. They were willing to put off some of the other enhancements they'd asked for if we could get this working.
- Jeff
Stanford,
As you have probably already noticed, I am having a little problem getting the CIMLinc product started on my HP V2250 System (HP-UX 11.00). Boeing-Irving had to purchase this system since it is the only HP solution capable of supporting our growing production environment. Unfortunately, this particular system will only host the HP-UX 11.00 operating system. Prior to purchasing the V2250, I made a couple of call concerning the use of Linkage and HMSCapp on 11.00. I guess my questioning was a little too informal. Jeff Neau has informed me that they haven't certified their products on 11.00 and won't until next year.
We are currently on schedule to place our V2250 into production over the Thanksgiving holidays. Since the CIMLinc products are critical to our implementation, I was wondering if you might be able to help us out. Due to the binary compatibility as stated by HP, I think that this might be as simple as getting the CIMLinc License Daemon to function on 11.00. Boeing-Irving would be willing to offer any support necessary, and to provide testing if that would help.
Thanks for your time,
Tony
Tool
Systems
Analyst
I&MS
Operations
Boeing-Irving,
Co.
From:
Stanford
Sent:
Monday, October 19, 1998 12:11 PM
To:
Manager, Project B
Cc:
Neau, Jeff; Freeride, Foghat
Subject:
FW: Linkage/HP-UX 11.00 Issues.
Hi Project-
Would you please check with the home office and see if this is something they can support? Perhaps we could get HP-UX 11.0 on the STAVE and fix the problem (patch) there until you guys do the work to actually certify on 11.0? Please let us know what seems feasible and I'll share that back with ISMS.
Thanks Project.
Stanford
From:
Manager, Project B
Sent:
Monday, October 19, 1998 3:20 PM
To:
Stanford
Cc:
Neau, Jeff; Freeride, Foghat
Subject:
RE: Linkage/HP-UX 11.00 Issues.
Stanford,
I belive that Jeff has answered these questions for you.
Project
From:
Stanford
Sent:
Monday, October 19, 1998 3:34 PM
To:
Manager, Project B
Subject:
RE: Linkage/HP-UX 11.00 Issues.
I'm looking for a rough idea of how much effort and how much flow time it would take to get this accomplished. That would be useful in helping decide what the priority of this versus other Linkage changes is. Thanks.
Stanford
From:
Manager, Project B
Sent:
Monday, October 19, 1998 3:42 PM
To:
Stanford
Cc:
Neau, Jeff; Bystander, Innocent
Subject:
RE: Linkage/HP-UX 11.00 Issues.
It
is a matter of priority for the only customer who wants this item and revenue
for doing the estimate. What do you work on? We have only one
request for this item from one customer who did not ask if we supported
HPUX 11.0 before they purchased the hardware. Sorry but that is a
special effort for someone who did not do their homework before they made
a move. You know "Ready Shoot Aim". We share their pain but
are not ready to jump through hoops for them. Additionally, this
is not the first time they have done that. So it is likely to become
an issue when there is a real need for a revenue customer.
Project
From:
Stanford
Sent:
Monday, October 19, 1998 3:58 PM
To:
Manager, Project B
Cc:
Holmes, Johnny
Subject:
RE: Linkage/HP-UX 11.00 Issues.
So are you going to answer my question or not?
Stanford
Somewhere in here, I sent a message to Stanford and copied Project giving them a status of the issue. Basically, the status was that development had a hunch what the problem was, but fixing it could take anywhere from 1 hour to 1 month, and they had no timeline for it.From: Manager, Project B
- Jeff
Stanford,
Now with the Neau message, you have the nearly complete answer to the question with some conjecture about what the issue are related to the prioritization of the task.
Project